Embracing Neurodiversity: A New Approach to Teaching Social Skills
Learning social skills has always been vital for our development. We humans are social creatures and getting along with others has always been important for our survival.
However, while most of us will learn social skills from our peers without even realising it, for others - those of us who are neurodiverse in particular - these skills need to be explicitly taught.
In this week’s blog post, I want to explore the concept of neurodiversity and the importance of adopting a neurodiversity-affirming approach to teaching social skills - as it is a question I am often asked. I also want to talk about the "double empathy problem," why traditional social skills teaching methods needed updating, and the practical strategies I use for inclusive social skills education.
What is Neurodiversity?
Neurodiversity, a term coined by Autistic sociologist Judy Singer, highlights the natural variations in how human brains function. It challenges the notion that traits associated with conditions like Autism, dyslexia, and ADHD are deficits - rather that they are normal variations. We humans certainly are a diverse lot! I often say to the teens and adults I work with - some of us are really good at some things, and some of us are really good at other things. It’s what makes everyone one of us SO fascinating - and the teens and young adults I work with truly are fascinating. I’ve had teens offer to teach me how to surf (except I’m a bit too scared of going that far out in the ocean for that); I’ve had teens who are absolute experts in military history explain military tactics I’d never heard of. In fact, every week I learn something from the amazing young people I’m privileged to work with. I often think they teach me far more than I am teaching them!
However - while we all think, learn, and process information in different ways - reading social cues and understanding social norms can be difficult for some - and, interestingly, the research shows that for neurodiverse teens and adults - those difficulties can be fairly universal. And that is where learning social skills comes in.
Understanding a Neurodiversity-Affirming Approach
A neurodiversity-affirming approach to teaching social skills values the preferences, interaction styles, and communication priorities of neurodivergent individuals as equal to those of neurotypical individuals.
That is, while traditionally, social skills teaching has focused on helping neurodivergent learners conform to neurotypical social norms - a neurodiversity-affirming approach is about knowledge, choice and empowerment. It’s not about somehow making a neurodiverse person less neurodiverse.
I love this quote from British autism advocate Chris Bonnello:
“I don’t want to turn an autistic person into a non-autistic person. I want to turn an autistic person who struggles into an autistic person who doesn’t struggle.”
And this, also from Chris:
“When we teach social skills to autistic kids, it needs to be like teaching French. When we teach children how to speak French, we’re not forcing them to become French. We’re teaching them how to communicate with French people, and function well in French society. We don’t force them to get rid of their own identity and invent a new French identity for themselves.
“So when we offer social skills classes for autistic children, we should NOT be trying to turn them neurotypical. We just need to teach them how neurotypical people communicate and how to function socially among them. Their authentic autistic self doesn’t have to be compromised or destroyed in order to do this.”
I couldn’t agree with this more.
As a late-diagnosed neurodiverse adult myself (I was diagnosed with ASD last year at 48 years old which was, I have to say, fairly expected - at least by me) - I have absolutely no interest in being neurotypical! I’ve learned to embrace my neurodiversity and I absolutely LOVE hanging with my neurodiverse tribe. My neurodiverse friends and family really get me.
But - I have certainly found it helpful to learn how neurotypical people think and respond to certain situations. Understanding the perspectives of others has helped me make sure I’m not upsetting people or inadvertently pushing them away - as that was certainly never my intention. And the teens and adults I work with tell me that was never their intention either.
Requiring neurodivergent people to conform to social rules that do not come naturally can lead to masking, negatively impacting mental health and confidence in social situations. The PEERS program is most definitely NOT about masking! It’s about empowering participants to develop communication and interaction skills that support their personal needs and preferences - while also helping them to live and interact with neurotypical people in what is largely a neurotypical world. It really is about knowledge, empowerment and choice.
So many times in our social skills groups the teens and adults I work with will say ‘Aha! That’s why I don’t have any friends!’ as they realise that something they had been doing had inadvertently been upsetting people or pushing others away. It could be policing (constantly criticising or correcting others), it could be being a conversation hog, it could be being a really bad winner (or loser), it could be always telling the same inappropriate joke or constantly boasting about how smart they are or how much money they have. Often people have no idea these things are offending people. They are just left sitting alone in the playground - or the lunchroom at work - or overhearing a peer group talk about a get-together on the weekend that, once again, they weren’t invited to - and are baffled, wondering ‘why is this happening to me again?’
Using our neurodiversity-affirming approaches, our PEERS participants discover for themselves what had often been baffling them for years. They finally understand what no-one has ever told them - that they are saying or doing things that push people away. Once they understand what has always been happening - they then have a choice. That is what is SO empowering! We can keep policing our friends or dominating the conversation if we want to. For sure! Or - we can choose to only correct our friends if it’s important or we can learn to share the conversation by asking our friends questions so we’re not doing all the talking so the conversation is enjoyable for everyone - IF we want to.
Knowledge is empowerment. Being baffled and left in the dark is very disempowering. Whatever our participants decide to do going forward they always tell me - ‘well, that’s good to know!’
Simple strategies that can shift a conversation from “That wasn’t a good experience. I don’t think I want to talk to that person again” to “I really enjoyed that conversation - I hope we catch up again soon” can make ALL the difference when we are trying to make and keep friends. And once we know it - we can choose it. Or not! The choice really is up to us.
The Double Empathy Problem
It’s true that autistic individuals often struggle to understand neurotypical social cues - but the difficulty goes both ways. Neurotypical individuals also find it challenging to interpret the emotions and communication styles of Autistic people, leading to what is known as the "double empathy problem." This issue arises from the different ways these two groups process the world.
Understanding the diverse communication styles of both neurodivergent and neurotypical individuals is crucial to addressing the double empathy problem. And that is why we teach neurotypical social cues in our PEERS groups. There is certainly a role to play in helping neurotypical people understand how autistic people communicate as well - as the way we communicate isn’t wrong. Not at all. But it is different - and for us as neurodiverse people, understanding the perspectives of neurotypical people is an absolute game changer.
Implementing a Neurodiversity-Affirming Approach
As a neurodiverse person myself, it is fundamental to me that our groups adopt neurodiversity-affirming approaches to teaching social skills. For me, that means:
Learning About Communication Styles. We understand and teach the differences between neurodivergent and neurotypical communication styles, promoting acceptance of diverse communication needs.
Prioritising Individual Needs. We are all unique individuals and we all have our preferred methods of communication. Some people are fine with eye contact and, if anything, need to learn the social norms around physical distancing (which is generally around an arm’s length for a typical conversation). For others, eye contact can literally be physically painful - so don’t do it! We can turn our bodies toward the person we are talking to and we can listen when someone is talking to us - but we don’t have to make eye contact if that is uncomfortable. It’s so important that what we are teaching is within the comfort level of each individual.
Encouraging Self-Advocacy: One of the amazing benefits of strengthened social skills is that participants learn how to express their needs, opinions, and boundaries assertively and based on their own genuine preferences. Self-advocacy is very difficult if you can’t communicate well.
Not Suppressing Neurodivergent Traits: I was asked recently if we allow fidget toys within our sessions. It would never occur to me to not allow them! Of course we allow them! Stimming, fidgeting, doodling - we all do what we need to, to help us concentrate. The thing isn’t to suppress our neurodivergent traits - but to find accepting peers who accept us (and have common interests with us) - and that is certainly the case in our PEERS groups. We also work on recognising when our peer groups are not accepting and what to do when that happens. Friendship is a choice and we are better to find friends that accept us, rather than trying to change who we inherently are.
By embracing neurodiversity and adopting neurodiversity - affirming approaches, we create a more inclusive and supportive learning environment for everyone.
Celebrating diverse communication styles and individual preferences - while also learning about the communication styles of others - empowers us to build positive relationships with confidence and authenticity, fostering a world where everyone can thrive on their terms. Knowledge is power! And our PEERS participants are certainly armed with a lot of knowledge by the time they graduate from our programs.
Discover how we empower neurodiverse individuals with essential social skills. Visit our website to learn about our evidence-based programs designed for teens and young adults, both online and in-person. With a team committed to fostering meaningful connections, we're here to make a difference. Click here.
