7 Hacks to Making and Keeping Friends
Making and keeping friends isn't always easy for anyone - but for a teenager with autism or ADHD it can be particularly difficult.
That's because being on the spectrum comes with a number of social challenges that are actually pretty vital to making friends. Challenges like finding it difficult to interpret social cues and to understand someone else's perspective can make interacting with others really tricky - which is why in the PEERS course we teach adolescents to notice specific body language to help understand how someone else is feeling.
Research shows that not having friends has a seriously detrimental impact on our happiness and well being. In fact, feeling isolated or being neglected or rejected by peers or experiencing conflict with peers - can all result in having a higher chance of being teased and bullied which can then lead to depression, anxiety, loneliness and low self-esteem.
The good news is that having just one or two close friends makes all the difference. But how do we make and keep those friends if you have autism or ADHD?
Thankfully, the skills we need to make and keep friends can be easily learned once they are taught in a way that is specific to how adolescents with autism or ADHD learn - that is, with clear steps and rules and behaviour practice with peers in a safe space. And that is exactly what we do in the PEERS program.
In this Cheat Sheet we are going to cover 7 Hacks to Making and Keeping Friends. This is a very brief overview of one of the topics that is covered in a lot more detail in the PEERS for Adolescents 16-week Program. For more on the program visit www.socialskillsaustralia.com.au but for now, let’s look at these 7 Hacks.
Hack #1: Find and choose good friends
There are GOOD choices and BAD choices when it comes to friendships. It's important when choosing friends we recognise friends who are good choices and friends who are bad choices. So, we are looking for friends who are friendly to us, seem interested in us, like the same things as us, and are a similar age to us.
It's important we know to avoid people who are mean to us, make fun of us, take advantage of us or who could get us into trouble. We learn how to discern good friendship choices from bad friendship choices in the PEERS program.
It's also important that our friends have common interests to us - that means, we like the same things. So understanding what peer group we belong to, such as bookworms, sports fans, history buffs, sci-fi fans, maths geeks, skaters, surfers, musicians and more is important so that we know which groups we can join. We also need to know where to find people from these peer groups and that we have the communication skills to be able to talk to them when we get there.
We cover all of that in the PEERS program.
Hack #2: Know the rules for having a good conversation
Communication is important when making friends so it's crucial that you understand the rules for having a good conversation and trading information. Some of these rules include things like asking the other person questions, finding common interests, sharing the conversation, asking follow-up questions and asking open-ended questions.
It's important to avoid things like being a conversation hog (not letting the other person speak), being an interviewer (when questions only go one way), policing (correcting people), teasing, getting too personal at first and talking about risky topics such as politics, religion, sex or money.
In the PEERS social skills course, we practice trading information by asking and answering questions in the group and then we also practice at home with our social coach which is usually the parent or caregiver.
Practice is key when learning social skills like having two-way conversations and finding common interests and we make time to practice new skills every week in the PEERS program.
Hack #3: Learn how to start and join conversations
So it turns out that the advice we usually give to adolescents when they want to start or join a conversation with others is actually really off the mark. They might be told to ‘just go over there and introduce yourself’ - but that's not what people who are good at social skills actually do.
There are a few very important steps we take before we walk over out of the blue and without any reason to introduce ourself to a group of strangers.
Here are the steps in a shortened version:
Listen to the conversation and watch from a distance
Use a prop (like a book or a phone so it’s not obvious you’re listening)
Identify the topic
Move closer and look at the body language
Wait for a pause
Mention the topic
Assess if they are interested in talking to you.
Finally, after all of that - you can introduce yourself - but even then that's not always necessary straight away.
We cover all of these steps in detail in the PEERS course.
Hack #4: Use humour appropriately
When used appropriately, humour can be magnetic and a fantastic way to make friends. But….when used inappropriately, it can be one of the FASTEST ways to push people away.
The problem is - not we are not all great at using humour well so it can be a very risky thing to do when we're first getting to know someone. In fact, research shows, adolescents with autism or ADHD often think they are much funnier than they are - and if they are not using humour appropriately, it could be the very thing that is pushing potential friends away without them knowing it.
It's important to know the rules for humour. Some of these include - be a little more serious when first getting to know someone, don't repeat jokes, avoid inside jokes, insult jokes and dirty jokes and make sure humour is age and context appropriate.
It's also important to think about who your audience is and whether it's the right time or place to tell a joke.
In the PEERS course we also practice giving a courtesy laugh when someone tells a joke - and we practice being able to tell if someone is giving a courtesy laugh to us. Someone laughing WITH us is fine - but it’s important to know if someone is laughing AT us. The difference is in the body language and we cover that in the PEERS course.
Hack #5: Host get-togethers
Close, meaningful friendships are developed and maintained by spending time together. Getting together with friends and enjoying fun activities is one of the highlights of having friends. Whether it's going out - such as to the movies or festivals or parks or beaches - or staying indoors watching movies or playing games or craft - or eating out our playing or watching sports, there’s always a huge range of options for things adolescents and young adults can do together. The key is to know the steps to planning a successful get-together and following through.
Planning includes considering the 5 Ws - Who to invite, What you will do, When you will go, Where you will go and hoW you will get there. It's important to follow key steps at the beginning - such as greeting and introducing people and offering refreshments. During the get-together, the steps include things like getting guests to pick activities, not ignoring our friends, not arguing with or policing our friends and being good sport. And at the end of the get-together, steps like giving a reason (cover story) for ending the get-together, thanking them for coming over and telling them you had a nice time before saying goodbye all help make the get-together run smoothly.
We cover all of these steps in the PEERS course and we also practice and role play the steps for hosting so participants are confident when hosting get-togethers with friends.
Hack #6: Be a good sport
Knowing how to be a good sport is key for making and keeping friends as being a bad sport will quickly push friends away. Being a good sport means we use the rules of good sportsmanship, including not cheating or being a referee or coach, not being overly competitive, showing concern if someone gets injured, praising our friends and team mates, sharing and taking turns and not being a bad winner or sore loser. We cover all of these rules in the PEERS course.
In the PEERS course we practice being a good sport every time we play games or sports with friends, peers or family members. Video games, computer games, board games, card games, extracurricular sports and extracurricular activities are all great opportunities to practice good sportsmanship.
Hack #7: Manage disagreements
It’s important to know that having a disagreement does not have to end a friendship. Disagreements are totally normal and everyone has them. There are some key steps to responding to a disagreement so that it doesn’t have to end the friendship - things like keeping your cool, listening to your friend, explaining your side using 'I' statements, saying you're sorry and trying to solve the problem.
Keeping your cool isn’t always easy but taking some deep breaths, counting to ten in your head taking a timeout can all help.
We go through each of the steps in detail in the PEERS course.
So that’s it! 7 Hacks to Making and Keeping Friends.
If this resonates with you - or you want to know more about the PEERS social skills course - reach out to me. We have new groups starting all the time and our age-appropriate groups cover a broad range of ages from senior primary age right through to young adult.
You can get me on Messenger, Facebook, Instagram, Email or Phone. I'm around and I'm always ready to talk to other parents just like me. And remember - NDIS funding can be used depending on your plan.
Reach out! I'd love to hear from you.
With love,
Chris
