My 3 Biggest Social Skills Mistakes

Hello, I'm Chris. I live on the Sunshine Coast in Queensland and I'm a mum of two beautiful, smart, funny, quirky, tall and handsome adolescent boys - who also have autism (and ADHD). It took a while for me to understand that, though. The autism and ADHD, I mean. In particular, it took a while for me to understand that often the things I would say to them - or suggest for them to do - were actually not at all helpful for a child on the spectrum.

So, I thought I'd share with you three of the biggest mistakes I've made when it comes to guiding my boys around their social challenges - and what I've learned to do instead. And the good news is - you can learn from my mistakes and do these other things straight away!

Mistake #1 - "Just go over there and introduce yourself!"

We say it, don't we? We see our child or teenager hanging back, looking over with trepidation (and longing) at the group of kids that are chatting, laughing and having a good time. We see that look on their face that says ''I want to join in!" - and we see their body completely still - not moving towards that group at all.

In fact, if you're a mum of an adolescent on the spectrum like me, you've probably seen that face many, many times.

"Just go over there. Say hello and introduce yourself," I used to say - confident it was the right thing to do.

I’m encouraging him to make friends. Be social. Say hello. That's got to be good, right?

Actually, no. It's wrong!

The truth is - even when our parents told US to do that - it was pretty wrong.

Because the truth is - we don't just barge into a conversation already underway between a group of strangers and say "Hello. I'm Chris" for no reason.

What we ACTUALLY do is way more nuanced than that.

If we tell a child on the spectrum to go over and say hello and introduce himself - they will do just that. They will walk over and - regardless of any conversation already underway, regardless of the topic, regardless of who is speaking already or what is going on - they will walk straight over and say "Hello. My name is _____" and then they'll likely start talking about their favourite topic of interest.

Because what we tell an adolescent on a spectrum to do - they will do. Literally.

Because they are literal. And we need to be aware of how literal they are.

Have you ever told your child to ''pull their socks up'' or talked about someone being ''out of their depth'' or something going ''up in smoke'' and found yourself explaining that that wasn't actually what you meant?

Well, when we are encouraging our adolescents to join a group conversation with other adolescents - we need to say exactly what we mean. We need to give clear, explicit, step-by-step instructions and we need to explain the social rules and norms that everyone else knows already (but they don’t).

There are actually some pretty straightforward steps we take when we are looking to join an existing conversation with peers. For most of us, these steps are instinctual and unconscious. We don't even know we are doing them. And we certainly don't know where we learnt them.

But for an adolescent or young adult on the spectrum - they do need to be consciously doing them. And they do need to learn them. Because they won't just pick up these steps by osmosis.

So what are the steps for a smooth entry into a group conversation with peers?

Step 1 - Listen to the conversation and watch from a distance

We need to get a feel for the conversation topic way before we go over to the group.

Step 2 - Use a prop

This part is important. The prop lets us listen in a way that isn't obvious. That means stand nearby, within earshot, but look at your phone, hold a book, or sip a drink. Glance over now and then but be looking at or doing something so that it's not obvious that you’re listening in and you're not staring at the group too intently.

Step 3 - Identify the topic

Make sure it's a topic you're interested in, know something about or can contribute to. Be prepared to walk away if it’s not. Think about what you could contribute to the topic if it is.

Step 4 - Move closer and look at the body language

This means - look for a sign that someone is welcoming you in. Good signs include - someone stepping back to open in the circle, eye contact, a smile. These can all be non-verbal signs to join the group. Bad signs include - the group making a tight circle around someone or no one looking over at you. This might mean the topic is too personal or for some other reason they are not welcoming others. This means it might be best not to join that group for now.

Step 5 - Wait for a pause

Assuming we have picked up the conversation topic and there is a space for us to join in, now we can join the group. But we don't have to speak straight away. Let the conversation keep flowing and wait for a pause.

Step 6 - Mention the topic

Listen to the topic being discussed and think about how it relates to you. When there is a pause, mention the topic - make a comment, ask a question or give a compliment.

Step 7 - Assess interest

Assess how interested the group is in what you are saying. Are they looking at you? Are they facing you? Are they talking to you? These are all good signs.

Step 8 - Introduce yourself

This is still entirely optional - but after all of these steps, this is an appropriate time to introduce yourself.

See how this entry to the conversation is so much smoother than the alternative? This is how we teach the steps for entering a group conversation in the PEERS course. It's step-by-step and covers all the things socially adept people do naturally.

Mistake #2 - Thinking my child will work it out

Looking back now I can see quite a few signs that my son wasn't nailing things socially from a pretty young age. He's 14 years old now, but even back when he was 6 or 7 he struggled to make friends like other kids seemed to be able to do. I remember going on family camping trips and all the kids in the caravan park would be swarming around together on bikes or with torches at night playing spotlight - but my son wouldn't really join in. Or if he did - he didn't join in for long.

Even joining a group of kids kicking a football around wasn’t an activity he would participate in for any length of time. Within minutes of trying to join in, he'd be back at our campsite. "They don't want to play with me," he'd say, looking baffled. We'd be just as baffled ourselves. Don't kids just get on with it and play together?

I remember things started to get my attention when he was a little older - maybe 8 or 9. We were at an event at school and families were sitting at separate tables having snacks and drinks when my son noticed a friend of his at another table.

"Hi David'' he called out, enthusiastically. "Hi" his friend called back. The conversation went back and forth for a few minutes - very friendly and smooth. Then, conversation over, the friend said ''see you at school tomorrow'' and turned back to his family. After a few minutes of silence my son suddenly called out "I'm having a chocolate milkshake" to his friend. His friend turned and nodded, and turned back to his family. Clearly the conversation was over - but my son just didn't see that at all.

"I like chocolate milkshakes,'' my son called out again.

No response at all this time as his friend was deep in conversation with his family.

Even though my son was clearly missing something that other kids his age could pick up naturally, I still thought - he's just a kid. He'll work it out over time.

But here's the thing. A child on the spectrum doesn't just work it out over time. Neither does an adolescent - or an adult.

What an adolescent hasn't got the hang of at 14 - they're really not going to suddenly see at 24 - or even 54.

And a child who is lonely and struggles to make friends, becomes an adult who is lonely and struggles to make friends.

It's why these skills need to be explicitly taught. And why, ideally, they need to be taught in the teenage years or younger, so their high school years are spent enjoying time with their peers - not lonely and isolated and wondering why they’re getting left out of everything.

Mistake #3 - Trying to do everything by myself

Us mums (and dads) are a pretty resourceful lot. We raise kids, run households and often have paid jobs as well. Add in children with additional needs and we are BUSY. And we get used to being busy. We do it, we do all of it and we often do it quite well.

OK, maybe sometimes not that well. But we do it.

The thing is - some of us (okay, me) think we can do everything by ourselves.

That we don't need a village or a support crew.

But we do. We need direction from others and we need experts on the job. We need help from people who have spent YEARS working out the best way to teach these skills to our teens. It actually doesn’t have to be us.

We don't know it all and we don't have to do it all.

And...we don't have to do it alone.

We can connect with others on the same journey as us and who have been where we are trying to go.

When I did the PEERS course with my son - I joined a group of other families who were all on the same journey as me. We all had adolescents who wanted to learn social skills and who wanted to learn how to make and keep friends. And we parents - their social coaches - wanted that for them too. And we wanted to help them achieve their goals.

So - who is helping you?

If your answer is 'no-one' - then stop and go get someone right now. Join a parent group or get a mentor who has been where you are going.

This is VITAL for your own wellbeing.

In the PEERS course, our adolescents join with others just like them in a small group setting and once a week they come together to learn, to laugh, to enjoy each other's company and to practice their new social skills with each other.

In the meantime, the parents also come together every week. We talk about how our child is going, what they're doing well and where they need more help. We learn how to be our child’s social coach and share our own journey through this course. This parenting journey is not for the faint-hearted and for those of us with children on the spectrum, even more so.

There really is nothing quite like coming together with others who really understand and are on the same journey as you. It's another bonus of the PEERS course which includes the parents in the course and makes us parents part of the solution. Not only do we coach our children over the 16 weeks that our kids are learning - we continue to coach them for months and years afterwards as well.

And who knows - maybe we learn a thing or two ourselves! I know I did.

So that’s it! My three biggest mistakes and what I've learned along the way.

If this resonates with you - or you want to know more about the PEERS social skills course - reach out to me. We have new groups starting all the time and our age-appropriate groups cover a broad range of ages from senior primary age right through to young adult.

You can get me on Messenger, Facebook, Instagram, Email or Phone. I'm around and I'm always ready to talk to other parents just like me.

Reach out! I'd love to hear from you.

With love,

Chris